First Entry

I've struggled my whole life with being considered a "flaky" person. I've always wondered why I can't keep my committments and struggle really hard with keeping a schedule and remembering to be places on time. After being diagnosed with ADHD, I didn't really think to hard on it, I just thought...okay...that explains a lot and then didn't really do anything about it other than take adderall. But over the last semester, I came to realize, just how terribly ADHD affects life and just how severely I truly had it. It's a maze of insanity and I do not envy anybody else with it. It is not fun and people really think it's a joke, which is incredibly disheartening to hear about. The miseducation of what ADHD is and how it affects people's lives, is really discouraging sometimes. People think "ADHD is an excuse", but in reality, it is a serious dysfunction that has really made my life a huuuuge struggle lately. Over christmas break, I found myself cancelling plans on people so much, that I just decided to tell people "I'm not making plans anymore. If you're free in the moment, just text me and if I'm not doing anything, we'll hang out". The extent to which ADHD has taken over my life, is absurd! I get really tired of people telling me their uneducated theories on ADHD and how it's made up, or "oh that's normal, I do that all the time and I don't have ADHD!" What people don't realize when they say that, is that sure, everyone has moments of forgetfulness, or disorganization, or they struggle with one aspect of ADHD, not all of them...all at one time, ALL the time. They don't LIVE in forgetfulness and impulsivity...the meaning of "Living in the moment" takes on a whole new meaning with ADHD people. People also don't realize, how rude and ignorant these attitudes are. At first, I was really depressed at how out of control this "dysfunction" had made my life...I was in complete denial that I even had a "dysfunction" and was honestly, really hurt by this word in general, but the more research I do and the more I learn how to control it, the better things get. I never understood why it was so incredibly hard for me to pay bills on time, not forget about bills completely, lock my car keys in my car 4 times in 6 months without ever making a spare, not be a complete tornado when it comes to keeping my car/living area clean (When I'm "mentally" an organization freak and HATE messy things), always constantly losing papers and important documents...I struggle really hard with daydreaming...The only reason I can function when people are talking to me...is by taking every third word and piecing the sentence together. (Hence, why I'm so good at learning/understanding foreign languages). Sometimes, quite often and quite literally when people are talking to me, things get so mumbled jumbled, all I hear is "wah wah wah wah". Imagine trying to sit in a lecture for an hour with THAT fading in and out the entire time. Now I find it funny when I'm watching a movie, and somebody tries to talk to me, and I don't hear a word their saying because I have the ability (which is the catch-22 curse/blessing of ADHD), to hyperfocus and it's hard for me to come out of it. That being said, it's really sad when I try to explain to people that I try not to make too many solid plans anymore, they think I'm being rude or don't like them, or some other illegitimate reason, when the reality is, I just struggle really hard to maintain those type of things. It's hard enough to get required things down, like school and work. My point is, I hope that someday I can figure out a way to control this completely and to either not offend people and continue in my impusilve manner but be more direct about it, or figure out another way to make these extra committments and stick to them. I find that friends get really annoyed by me breaking these plans, or constantly over-committing myself....but I wish there was a way for me to explain, that it's such a struggle to keep my shit straight and that it's nothing personal at all. I know how frustrating it must be to deal with me sometimes, but once you understand fully where I am coming from, I believe it makes things easier. I even have 3 calenders, and it's hard for me to maintain them. But I refuse to give up! I will find a way! This semester, will be my hardest work in this area.